Something Must Change

Yesterday, I was talking to Betty, a homeless elderly lady who lives in a van. Betty is a sweetheart and cares for everyone; she has appointed herself something of a den mother for the other homeless here in Raleigh. I mentioned in passing that I was a bit worried because some funds I was anticipating had not arrived yet so I would have to cut our conversation short so I could go make some collection phone calls.

She looked left, then right, as if to make sure no one was listening. She then gestured me closer and in a stage whisper said, “I can lend you 20 if you need it”.

She lives in a van. She depends upon the generosity of others to eat. Her van has no heat and she crochets baby hats for gas money. In any American sense of the word she is poor, yet she wanted to lend me money. I turned her down, thanked her and then walked home, tears running down my face.

Things are a bit tough right now.

I have clients who have not paid me, a ton of looming deadlines, a checking account balance rapidly approaching zero and, to top it all off, the beginnings of a sinus infection.

Mother Theresa is a huge influence on me; her life inspires me and keeps me focused on the work I do. She truly knew what it was to love. In one of her many biographies, she is quoted as saying she rarely worried about money. “After all”, she said. “We are doing God’s work. If he wants it done, he will provide the money”.

I wish my faith was at that level. I pray that one day it will be.

I am at a crossroads right now. I, just like you, only have so many hours in a day. Just like you, I have to balance my money making activities with my non-money-making activities. The fact is, it costs me money to be out there, helping them. I have had to turn down projects, reschedule deadlines and delay payments in order to do what I do with the homeless. Yet, I feel that nothing I do is more important than this. In a very real, mystical, non-hip way, I feel this is what Jesus wants me to do.

The obvious answer is to go “full time“. In other words, get off the fence, start soliciting donations and get on with being an urban missionary. After all, this is God’s work; if he wants it done, he will have to pay for it… right?

I guess I am scared. What if I can’t get enough contributions and I fail very publicly? What if… (insert any number of doom and gloom prophecies here)? I guess it is fear of the unknown, fear of trusting God, fear of failure, fear of being foolish.

I am not sure what I will do yet. Right now, it takes me about $1200 a month to live, pay my bills and so on. Logic tells me that is not so very much (radical simplicity does have its benefits), that it should be easy to raise that sort of support. Logic also tells me I have zero experience in fund raising and the stuff I have seen turns my gut (like, writing everyone you know a personal letter [with the obligatory picture of a homeless person on it], asking them to “stand with you” and support you). I know people just love getting those, right up there with being asked to join my tupperware sales organization.

So: what am I going to do? I am not sure yet. I am working on a plan; a paper showing the sorts of things that someone working full time could accomplish here in Raleigh. I think it would be good for me to do anyway, but it will be crucial if I am to try to raise support. After all, everyone wants to support a mission, a vision.

As I stand at this crossroads, pray for me, would ya?

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